What Mescaline Taught Me About Pain
Musings and recounting from my first encounter with mescaline
I’ve been interested in mescaline for a long time. I first heard about mescaline in Michael Pollan’s How To Change Your Mind, which was the first book on psychedelics I ever read. I loved this book. I required permission from an esteemed, bespectacled, old white man that psychedelics were acceptable for an obedient, well-behaved square like me.
Mescaline is an ancient psychedelic found in both peyote and San Pedro cacti that has been used spiritually and medicinally for thousands of years. If you ask certain psychedelic enthusiasts (such as the community on r/mescaline), mescaline is a gentle, long-acting, sober-headed psychedelic that presents qualities reminiscent of MDMA. Praise for this compound is prolific among enthusiasts. Some hold the opinion that mescaline is so unparalleled that it leaves psilocybin in the dust.
Well, now you’ve got my attention.
You see, my two-year journey with psychedelics can be summed up concisely by the phrase: “Wow! And what else?”
I started with Ps. cubensis. My mind was blown. I next tried Ps. ochraceocentrata. My mind was blown. I next tried Panaeolus cyanescens. My mind was (extremely!) blown. I next tried Ps. subtropicalis. My mind was blown. I next tried Ps. zapotecorum and LSD about two weeks apart. My mind was so profoundly blown that for a couple of months, I believed I had figured out the Secret of the Universe. I next tried low doses of harmine and harmaline. I loved both. I next tried Ps. mexicana. My mind was blown out of this universe (how can there still be so much more?!). (Not all my experimentation was mind-blowing. Ketamine left me comparatively unimpressed.)
I firmly believed that each new mushroom and each new medicine had a unique lesson to teach me. And that if I kept trying new things, perhaps I’d learn the answer to the ultimate question: why I continued to feel called to all these medicines in the first place.
So it was only a matter of time before I would try mescaline. The problem was that mescaline was hard to get. (It’s not, really. I simply made it hard with my reluctance to be dependent on anything other than myself to access medicine. This is more or less why I grew all those mushrooms myself in the first place.) I purchased several San Pedro cacti from a local hobbyist with the goal of a sustainable supply for myself. I promptly grew so attached to the little spiky dudes that I couldn’t imagine cutting them up to consume them. I still haven’t.
It would be two years after reading How To Change Your Mind until I’d have a proper mescaline experience of my own. I am lucky enough to live in Colorado, where natural medicines are decriminalized. The mescaline eventually found me.
Technically, my first experience with mescaline was almost a year ago when I ingested 600 mg of mescaline citrate. However, I threw up four times within the first hour. I failed to implement proper techniques for mitigating nausea. I didn’t stagger the dose. I took ginger, but not enough, and the ginger capsules didn’t fully dissolve in my stomach in time (ask me how I know). I probably expelled some of the mescaline before it was absorbed, because the resulting experience was shortened and lacked a true peak. I decided this experience didn’t count.
For me, mescaline has proved harder to work with than psilocybin. Aside from the aforementioned failed first attempt at a full experience, I’ve also experimented with low doses and microdoses a handful of times, generally with little noticeable effects. The nausea has been very difficult to handle. I’ve had nausea from as little as 80 mg of mescaline citrate. Mushrooms have never once made me nauseous like this. Mushrooms occasionally make my stomach feel all twisted up, but this is not the same as nausea; I now intimately know the difference. While the stomach sensation induced by mushrooms can be quite uncomfortable, it never lasts longer than about an hour, after which it completely resolves (or I’m too far removed from this dimension to notice it anymore).
In short, my body hates mescaline. Nevertheless, due to my curiosity and perhaps a dash of masochism that only my fellow psychonauts will understand, I was still called this medicine. After about 9 months, I finally felt ready to give mescaline another go. I fixed the mistakes I made the first time: I staggered the dose, took more ginger, and made sure the ginger capsules completely dissolved in my stomach.
What resulted was the longest, most excruciatingly uncomfortable, most physically painful trip of my life.
As much as I would like you to think I’m some psychedelic zen master who is in a permanent state of frictionless openness to the unfolding of the universe, the truth is this trip was really tough. My body and mind both fought the medicine a lot. For sixteen straight hours, I bounced between moderately and excruciatingly uncomfortable. My chattering mind refused to shut up, endlessly worrying about worrying and thinking about thinking. My body tensed up, cramped up, and physically hurt.
Insights came: profound insights, the full extent of which I could not appreciate until reflecting on the experience in the following weeks.
After spending several days writing and rewriting this post, attempting to distill these insights into something communicable to another human being, I realized that, by their nature, these insights are incommunicable. As much as I now labor to convey the truth through my words, I know that you, reader, are equally laboring to extract the truth through your reading. But neither of us will ever succeed in obtaining what we seek, not as long as we are seeking truth outside of ourselves.
The best I can do is offer clues that point to the truth. I’ve left these after the trip report below. Do with them as you will.
This trip report is a little different than others I’ve written. Compared to psilocybin, I remained remarkably lucid throughout the experience and was able to record in great detail the thoughts and insights passing through my mind. They tell a raw story and stand on their own. I’ve left them minimally edited for that reason.
Friday, March 13, 750 mg mescaline citrate
7:30 AM T-1:00
I take 4 ginger capsules, approximately 3200 mg powdered ginger. I eat two small nectarines to get my stomach acids flowing to dissolve the capsules faster.
I am at home alone all day today while my husband is at work.
8:00 AM T-0:30
I take 2 more ginger capsules and eat 5 pieces of candied ginger.
8:30 AM T+0:00
I use wetted rice paper to swallow 250 mg of citrate powder.
8:50 AM T+20:00
I feel slightly dizzy. My stomach feels a little upset already from swallowing ginger and eating sugar.
9:10 AM T+35:00
I swallow another 250 mg. I do some deep breathing and try to relax.
[I do some personal reflection and intention-setting for the trip in my journal.]
9:25 AM T+48:00
Feeling a little thoughtful and contemplative.
[I do some more reflection, writing in my journal, contemplating life: where I’ve been and where I want to go next.]
9:33 AM T+57:00
I was violently puking by the hour mark last time, but my stomach feels okay so far. I notice a calm and thoughtful state.
9:41 AM T+1:04
I take the final 250 mg. I feel a mild wave of stomach discomfort upon standing, but I can breathe through it. Sitting up straight and doing deep, intentional breathing helps.
9:57 AM T+1:20
I fetch the book I’m reading on spirituality, and read for 30 minutes.
10:42 AM T+2:05
I read the line, “Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your own consciousness.” I begin to well up with tears. These words resonate with something deep inside me. I conjure the intention to trust the universe. The emotion passes through me in an instant; soon after, it is gone, and I feel light.
There is another small wave of nausea, but I can breathe through it again.
My sense of smell is enhanced: it takes on a thick, cloying, resonating quality. I can smell the astringent mescaline and the peppery ginger as though the odors are seeping up from my stomach into my nostrils.
11:08 AM T+2:31
It’s coming on so very slowly. If I didn’t know better, I would think nothing is going to happen.
Focusing my attention on my stomach seems to make the nausea worse, but then I can take a deep breath, and it settles.
11:41 AM T+3:05
I take a walk around the block. I begin to feel overconfident and start walking towards a nearby park, thinking that if I haven’t puked yet, I’m not going to puke. But then I remember how people say they will purge right before the trip really starts, and I’m not feeling much yet. Is the purge still to come?
Boom. Like clockwork, nausea appears as well as anxiety. I contemplate the chance I might yak on the sidewalk, and suddenly I realize I’ve wandered too far from home. I take a brisk walk back to my house.
I get home safe and sit down in a comfortable chair. The nausea eases once more.
11:49 AM T+3:13
I feel woozy and intoxicated. The nausea is back, but mild. I am in a state of mild anxiety, waiting. Something is coming.
12:03 PM T+3:26
I start to feel very ‘off’, similar to mushroom come-up: a sense that things are changing inside, a heaviness in my head, and a heavy quality to my thoughts. I feel anxious energy in my limbs. The walls are breathing. Vision feels crisp and enhanced.
12:24 PM T+3:47
I note visuals on the blackness of my closed eyelids: colorless patterns that shift either with the music or with my thoughts and emotions.
12:31 PM T+3:54
I am cold, gently trembling, and shivering. I sense power.
I’m not particularly comfortable. But I’m okay. I am here with myself. I can do this.
I feel like I might cry for no specific reason.
I sense that all this writing is soothing me, but also pulling me out of the experience
12:46 PM T+4:09
I flex my leg muscles. My muscles are twitchy; my hands are sticky with cold sweat. I am somehow both stimulated and relaxed. Stomach still delicate. Moving is undesirable. Compared to psilocybin, everything is slower, more deliberate, more controlled. I could lie down, but I don’t have to.
1:02 PM T+4:25
I contemplate how alone I am in the house today. I feel I must rely on myself. I tell myself it’s going to be okay.
Moving is laborious; my stomach does not like it. I feel power. It is humbling. My body feels like an inadequate vessel for what’s coming into me
1:21 PM T+4:45
My mind starts to wander. I worry about thinking. I feel quite sober somehow. I feel as though I am coming down a bit? Already? What is going on?
1:36 PM T+5:00
My wandering thoughts feel aimless. Doubt creeps through me. I have a flashback to my last mescaline experience, which started to deflate around this same time and never took off again (after probably puking most of the medicine up in the first hour).
1:44 PM T+5:08
Spiraling thoughts. Definitely feel like I am coming down. Did I miss it?
Even the music suddenly feels flatter. Is this just not my medicine?
2:05 PM T+5:30
I am cozy, but I am thinking a lot. If I were less experienced with psychedelics, I would be having a hard time right now
2:24 PM T+5:48
I am uncomfortably sober for how hard I’m tripping. I am thinking too much
I am open, but nothing is coming
2:52 PM T+6:12
Unsure if experiencing pleasure or extreme discomfort
Uncomfortable tension and restless energy course through my limbs
Feel like I keep coming in and out of it
Is it supposed to be this difficult?
3:27 PM T+6:57
This experience is still very much unfolding, but I am having a tough time. Should I reach out to someone for help? Or just cry?
My muscles are twitching so much
[I eat some watermelon. This proves a terrible idea. The nausea flares, and I am convinced it’s going to come back up. I kneel over the toilet and feel at peace to purge if that’s what’s going to happen, but the nausea settles again.]
I wish I could go outside, but it doesn’t feel safe. I’m not confident I won’t puke
Body is twitchy, head feels swimmy
I am extremely uncomfortable
So nauseous. Tired of feeling nauseous
Everything is okay but this doesn’t feel good
I’m thankful for this moment
For the opportunity to show myself I can get through this
Tripping isn’t normally this hard. Like even for a hard trip this is hard
The visuals are quite cool actually. I’m just yeah wow having a tough time. Hey at least if I can get through this I can get through anything
I am having a really hard time and simultaneously being on the verge of a breakthrough
This is wild
This is okay and terrible at the same time
What is happening right now?
What is the purpose of this?
Why am I here?
What is this?
—
I am supposed to be here
I am here to feel this
There is something for me to learn here
I am supposed to be here
Everything is okay
I trust the universe
I am supposed to go through this
I am having this experience
This is part of it, too
4:57 PM T+8:21
I would not wish this on anyone
And yet it is invaluable to me
5:08 PM T+8:32
Everything is true
All at once
It’s only a matter of perspective
5:18 PM T+8:42
[As I lie on the couch, the blankets warming me feel velvety soft. Prismatic surges of beautiful colors dance along the edges of objects in my vision. Geometric fractals rhythmically crystallize and then blur away on the walls, ceiling, blankets, and back of the couch. Rainbows reflect on the periphery of my vision, as if looking through a prism before the sun.]
[Through the next two hours, I accept that the purpose of this experience for me is to feel whatever emotions are coming through, even if I don’t understand them and cannot label them. I make a conscious decision to feel whatever comes. I sob for some indeterminate period of time. I have no words for the source or quality of this emotion except that I know it is mine to feel now; this is where I’m supposed to be; this is good for me.]
6:21 PM T+9:45
This is just like life. You can’t fuck it up
What was I put on this earth to do?
7:49 PM T+11:13
Stomach cramping. Jaw is clenching hard and is very sore. This is all suffering... But it’s gonna be okay
8:30 PM T+12:00
Things that normally hurt feel good
Like that pinchy spot at my right hip crease
This is excruciating
The most exquisitely painful thing I’ve ever done
8:49 PM T+12:19
[I fetch a tennis ball, get on the floor, and begin rolling out my glute muscles, which are radiating with tension and pain now. I have a history of muscle tension and chronic back pain for the last 5 years. I realize this pain I feel now means something. I am not a machine with a broken part, but rather this pain is meaningful to me.]
Pain and pleasure are crossed in my brain
It’s showing me where the hurt is
Where the gunk is
So I can get it out
9:30 PM T+13:00
Starting to come down now. I’m so uncomfortable.
Wish I could eat, but the nausea is a continued struggle
[I try to eat some watermelon. Nausea flares.]
This isn’t over
9:41 PM T+13:11
[I once again kneel over the toilet. I don’t vomit, but I definitely flirt with it. Eating watermelon was again a bad idea.]
I am exhausted and still tripping
I suspect it’s going to be a long night
[I fight urges to reach out to people, to message my friends on my phone, to share; I seek comfort and distraction from the present moment, but I stop myself]
No
This time is still just for me
10:24 PM T+13:48
Really feeling ready for some normalcy, but this trip won’t let me
I’m in a lot of physical pain
Muscles are very tense, I can’t get them to relax
I’m so nauseous still
11:04 T+14:30
My husband starts to get ready for bed. I take 400mg of ibuprofen to ward off a headache.
I know it will be hours before I sleep.
11:32 PM T+14:55
I brush my teeth and go to bed.
After an hour or so of lying in bed awake, I drift off and sleep surprisingly well. Upon waking the next morning, I still see small squiggly visuals with my eyes open as well as mild CEVs for a few hours.
Perhaps some readers, at this point, might wonder: Am I okay?
Yes. This experience concludes as all my psychedelic experiences thus far have: trappings and specifics aside, this is what I needed to experience at this particular moment in time. Although this experience was difficult, I am grateful for it. It paved the way for an insight that no other psychedelic has pointed to with such stinging clarity.
Feeling, all feeling, is the Whole Point.
Thank you, mescaline, for being part of my journey. Trust, Be, and Feel, y’all ✌️🌵❤️